As I am writing this I am still trying to do this and that is why it’s taken me so long to write this post. Sometimes it’s hard to keep going when you have a set back…
Christmas was on the way but I was lacking in my usual Christmas spirit, instead feeling totally overwhelmed. A couple of things had happened in my life that had made me feel pretty down and I was still coming to terms with them. My life was starting to get on top of me, trying to fit in my various jobs around looking after the kids started to make me feel like I had lost my enthusiasm and energy. I felt like I was walking around in a kind of fog, trying to be strong but wanting to just curl up into a ball and sleep.
Then about a week before Christmas I got an email that lifted the fog. I found out I had been short listed for the Red magazine ‘grown up’ internship. This would involve working a whole month in their London office. I should add that Red happens to be my favourite magazine because I feel it doesn’t judge. It is not about bashing celebrities or making women feel inadequate. It is a magazine that inspires women to be the best version of themselves and really follow their passions in life. So as you can imagine, this was a huge deal to me. I felt like someone was finally recognising my ability, giving me some approval. I had applied months ago and presumed no news meant I hadn’t got through. When time permits I am still pursuing my desire to be a writer, it’s still the ultimate goal. I am still pitching and looking for writing opportunities.
I was sent an email saying I had been short listed and I just could not stop smiling. I was given a few days to submit three pitches that I would like to see in the magazine. In between work and children, I submitted my proposals and waited. I felt so honoured to be short listed and was on a high for a week or so. Then the panic started to set in, what if I did actually get it? How would I step outside of my real life for a whole month, be someone else for a month, commute to London, maybe even wear make up every day?!?!? Who would take the kids to school/nursery, would I be able to get the time off work, what would I wear (I didn’t think my usual jeans, jumper and converse combo would really cut it). It kept me awake at night with panic. I guess you could say I’m one of lifes worriers although I wasn’t worried about the work I would have to do there, just everything I wouldn’t be able to do for my family. I don’t know how people do it.
After another terrible sleepless night I got the dreaded email. It said I had been ‘pipped at the post by another candidate’. I suspect they said the same thing to all the short listed candidates who didn’t get it. I thought I would feel relief but instead I felt a deep deep sadness. It’s been hard to shake this off and it’s been hard to write. I’ve been throwing myself into my work but I think I’m ready to come back to the world of writing. I think the trouble was that I really felt like this could have been my big break and it was so close I could almost taste it. It obviously just wasn’t meant to be. One of my jobs is beginning to take me down the writing route so hopefully slowly but surely I will make it in the end. One thing is for sure, I will never stop trying.